Dear Ziggy:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.  

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.  I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking your tail straight out and having your tongue hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Captain of the Knotty Dog